Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
