I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
