You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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