i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
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I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
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Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
did i just pee glitter
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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