He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
