barbara walters just said penis...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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