Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
