My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
