can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You left your phone here
Wait...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
