Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
