There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
