My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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