i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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