and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
