i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Acid is not a monday night drug
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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