yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
