My cat gives me a boner
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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