you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
