FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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