Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
