Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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