I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
