omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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