She's never allowed to turn 21 again
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
