Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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