I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
