Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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