I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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