i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just invented taco cereal.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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