my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
