thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.