come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
