hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
