i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
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I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
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I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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