a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
