you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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