How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
