I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
