my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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