And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize