Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
