if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
