You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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