Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
