I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
