i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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