The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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