After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
