I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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