So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
