I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
