i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
